35

Five years ago, a few hours away from my thirtieth birthday,  I was seated on the couch in my living room in Nagano, typing out a farewell to my twenties and my hopes and expectations of what my thirties would look like. 

Now, I'm about to turn 35. The halfway point between then and forty. I think it's a good time to take stock of what the last five years have been like, and start to dream about what the next five years will look like. 

It's definitely been a whirlwind.  I was feeling stuck in a little town, in the middle of a pandemic, absolutely miserable about celebrating my birthday in my apartment alone and having to rush singing "Happy Birthday" to myself while eating a tiny (but delicious) chocolate cake. Later that year I would have a lightbulb moment about moving away, and it felt so right. I'm glad I was brave enough to make that move because these last few years in Osaka have been some of the best I've ever had. 

I've tried dating here and there, but I've found that with age, came an increased allergy to bullshit. I have a much clearer idea of what I want in a partner now. I know that I want someone who matches my energy, is curious about things the way I am, and is willing to show assertiveness and a go-getter attitude. This clearly limits the dating pool because I don't ever want to settle, and I can sense from a mile away when someone is full of shit. I'm proud that lately, I've stood up for myself and literally kicked the bullshit out. I don't regret kicking P out of my apartment when I discovered he was being dishonest. I also don't regret cutting Pr out of my life when I realized I only existed to him as an object. 

 I don't regret having dated Marco briefly because despite his neurotic tendencies, he actually raised the bar for me. He showed that I am not difficult to want or date, and more importantly, he showed me a lot of respect that I haven't seen in a long time. 

Of course, I want to be braver and more confident about approaching people I like. I'm starting to understand that a lot of my insecurities were taught. From mom, from the women in her generation, from the women around me. It's exhausting living with such a loud and judgmental voice telling me that I am not worthy of love or respect. It's getting quieter though, because I no longer believe that the worst thing to happen is my partner leaving me. I'm independent, pay my own bills and don't need a man to finance my life. That is why I can afford to be pickier and to take my sweet time getting to know people. 

What an adventure the last five years have been. Nicky came to Japan and to Cebu, I traveled to Vietnam. I grew my career substantially, I am now in a place where I never have to worry about job security ever again. I made beautiful friends, grew a community around one of my favorite hobbies (trivia!) and pretty much fulfilled everything that I said I would, five years ago. 

I think it's curious that because I was so definite with how I envisioned my life in Osaka, it all came true. Even the little things that I added as an afterthought, those turned out to be real things I could have for myself. 

I'm starting to get that feeling again, but this time about Spain. It's so wonderful that the moves to get citizenship have happened just as I was considering a move. The decision I made to go there for Christmas next year to do some research sits so nicely in my chest. This is a feeling I want to explore and write about, to firm up my plans. 

I've decided to stop putting a timeline on things, because they just happen when they are supposed to. If there's one thing the last two decades have taught me, it's that I make impossible things happen all the time. Which means that they're not impossible. I just have to have a clear idea of what I want to see happen, and then go with my instinct. This is something that's served me well, and I would do well to just keep going!

Can't wait to see what the next few years will look like. I'm also going to write soon about how I envision life in Spain, just to start giving form to the dream I am aiming to fulfil!