Thirty

As I come into the final hour of my twenties, I guess now would be a good a time as any to think back at the first decade of my life that REALLY mattered. As in, it mattered in the sense that it would actually set the tone for what the rest of my life would look like. 

Of course I wanted to throw myself a big to-do over this particular birthday. I had envisioned a posh hotel in Tokyo, champagne at midnight wearing a pretty cocktail dress and killer shoes, maybe with a date who would take me back to the room for a proper celebration. The theatre maybe? Definitely would have gone through with my furisode photo shoot beforehand. 

But hey, 31 is still a good birthday to do that to.

I remember twenty feeling like hope and excitement. I was happy not to be a "teen" anymore, and firmly guaranteed a seat at the adults' table. I was a young thing in New Zealand, happy to just be away from home and not be under the constant scrutiny of my parents, peers and teachers. I had just moved into a little roach-infested apartment at the old Railway Station in Auckland. I had pots and pans, and crockery that actually matched. What a grown-up feeling that was. 

I don't regret much of my twenties. They say youth is wasted on the young. It is an adage for a reason. We aren't aware yet of our full capacity, simply because we didn't have the courage to test how high the ceiling went. I certainly didn't know the extent of what I was capable of. I was content to build up experience, in places and with people. I didn't benefit from all of them though. There is a very good reason why I don't touch vodka and cannabinoids anymore. Give me rum, and give me a proper joint is what I say to that. 

I am most proud of how I've grown into someone who goes for what they want. There aren't many qualities in myself that I am actually proud of, but this one is different. I have never been someone to just sit around and wait for things to happen to me. Part of it is because I can't live with myself if I didn't make the effort to try. But another part of it is knowing that I do not want to just settle for what I've already accomplished. I want to keep going, and I hope I never lose that. 

Naturally there are things I wish I had done. I wish I had been in better shape. I wish I didn't have such terrible self-doubt, enough to hold me back from being happier. I wish I had more trust in my worth, because it's kind of sad when others have more than you do. I wish I had said no more. I wish I had more sex! 

No sense in regretting what I've missed. I have my thirties to look forward to. They say your thirties are supposed to be more fun. I don't suppose any of us are entitled to a fun decade. It's fun if we work at it. If we stay healthy, exercise and eat properly then I suppose we have the energy to do more. If we work on ourselves, ignore the inner Frenemy (the one who Tara Schuster so graciously introduced to me) then I suppose we have the courage to reach for what we want without getting in our own way. 

I want to spend my thirties happy. With myself, with life and have someone to share it with. If there is one thing that my twenties have taught me, it is the value of sharing life with other people. I have gone through so much on my own. They were wonderful, paradigm-shifting, life-altering experiences. I am much stronger for having them. I want to continue having these kinds of experiences, but I am at the point where I want to share them with someone else. 

And this time, it will be with someone I respect and love as an equal. No more doubt, no more putting myself down, no more fear of being hurt and rejected. I want to love unreservedly, and with the courage to fearlessly open myself up to someone else. There are no rewards when there are no risks taken. 

But back to the subject of being happy. I want to not just be happy, but be content with what I have. I want to be content with the career I've chosen (which I am!), I want to be content with the home I have chosen. That will take some doing, but if that is what is waiting on the other end you can be sure I will be grabbing at it with both hands!

And hey, I put it out there that I wanted flowers for my birthday. I don't see a bouquet walking itself over to me tomorrow, so I got myself these gorgeous pink and white flowers and a sleek bud vase to put them in. No more waiting for someone else to make me happy, I am going to buy myself the fucking flowers (another nod to Ms Schuster!)

I also want to be in the best shape of my life. I've already proven to myself that I am disciplined enough to do it. I am able to stick to an intermittent fasting diet, I am able to abstain from alcohol and I can push myself to run/go to the gym/do yoga. What else do I have left to hide behind? I'm going to put my mind and energy into it so when people look at me they are like dang, are you really in your thirties? 

(Speaking of which, I should definitely not break this fantastic sunscreen habit I have going. I was told tonight by a student that I pass for 25. If that's not proof that this gloopy white crap works then I don't know what is.)

Vanity aside, I know that I need to look after myself because I have inherited some rather crappy genes. A lot of what my parents have comes down to lifestyle choices. I do not want to go through the same things they are going through now, and I guess that means making better choices than they have. I don't judge them for what they have chosen, after all they were young once. I guess they also lived in a time that was different, and that is not their fault. 

I want to explore. Not just geographical locations, but possibilities. Sex, casual flings, kink - that's a big part of it. I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to explore these things because I feel like I am letting someone down. Who would I let down though? The church? My religious ed teachers at school? I could be up to so much worse though, so let them judge. At least I know I'm happy with myself. 

I want to be more spiritual. Not religious, but allowing myself to believe in a higher power and have the strength to stick to that conviction when faced with people who are adamant that no such entity exists. I want to believe in my power to channel light and love, and to spread it to where it needs to go. I want to constantly be in a position to help others seek that same light and love and find new meaning in the everyday. 

I still don't know where I stand with kids. I mean, I already have so many. I think I didn't want them initially because I did not see myself having them with the person I was with. But who knows, maybe the next one might change my mind. Maybe the next one will be a young, handsome widower looking for love. Maybe I will be able to adopt. Who even knows? 

I definitely want to see more ballets, operas and theatres. 

I also want to wear nicer shoes, carry nicer bags and have an actual jewelry collection. Maybe own some Chanel. 

I don't see thirty as the end of my good years. If anything, this is just the beginning. I go into this decade looking forward with excitement and happiness. This time my crockery doesn't match, but I live in my own little apartment now and it isn't roach-infested. I have a wonderful job with people that I adore and with kids that I would take a bullet for. I have lifelong friends, and I have new friends to have lifetimes with. My family is happy and healthy, and they love me. 

There is much to be thankful for in the decade that has passed. It was the most exciting and thrilling time I've ever had. Up until now. I foresee my thirties looking even better, because it comes with less fear of the unknown and more excitement for what I could make of them. 

Thank you twenty. Thirty, let's party.