Dear Meg

Dear Meg, 

How are we doing? It is about 10.20 on a Thursday evening. You've just come home after a double whammy at Nisseki, plus your regular classes. Things went well, as they usually do on Thursdays. No big dramas happened, and Cody made a delicious chocolate cake with cum frosting. I kid, it's called ermine frosting but apparently it looked like cum before he blended in the butter. 

I'm writing to put these thoughts down on paper. Writing things down substantiates thoughts, gives them weight and volume and form. You read recently that instead of being afraid of things going wrong, we should be excited for the possibility that things could go right. I mean, yes it does sound like the inspirational drabble that makes up Tumblr, but today you felt the truth of it ring in your bones. 

This is what went down. You were in the gym on the third floor helping your students review for their speaking test next week. You had a fleeting thought that this would be the last time that you will help second year students review for their test. You also realised that you will not be in Nagano this time next year, but in a different location. 

You've entertained thoughts of moving to Tokyo or Yokohama previously, but none of them have ever made your stomach shimmer with excitement. None of them have ever made your heart jump in your chest at the prospect of moving to that city. Even in your gut, you know that this will be a good move, and the pieces seem to fit better somehow. 

This is how you know that you are making the right decision girl. Hold on to this delicious feeling. Relish how weightless it feels in your heart and in your mind. This is what it feels like when it makes sense. Remember that this is what the right decision feels like, whether it's a pair of shoes or the man you are going to marry. 

So here we go. I am going to put weight to these words, and believe they are going to come true. 

I am going to find a job in Osaka. One that pays me well (upwards of 270,000 per month), and with decent hours. The Tuesday to Saturday shift was pretty good, so I wouldn't mind sticking to that. One that will allow me the summer and Golden Week break as well as two weeks for Christmas. This company will help me find a decent sized apartment, like the one Tomomi used to have. It will be beautiful and fairly modern, close by to the station or to work. 

This job will give me the opportunity to develop and test classes using design thinking and what I'm learning with my diploma. I will also work together with elementary and high school students, helping the school I work with to build a curriculum that will help them be more global thinkers and users of English as a means to communicate. I will also have some involvement with test prep courses, and I will have the chance to teach and develop short courses for working professionals looking to up their game. Most of all, I am going to work for a company that shares my values of diversity, open-mindedness and willingness to embrace new things. I will find a job that has me excited to go to work every day, and will make me be passionate about teaching and training.

I will find this job by Christmas, so I can inform work in January and prepare to leave by the end of February. I will ace the interview for this company, and I will have a contract ready to kick in by the beginning or middle of March. 

Being able to keep my nose ring is a MAJOR bonus. Fuck it, let's manifest that too. 

I will have a social life. I will meet new friends and hang out with them in a big city. I will attend salsa and pole dance classes, go to art galleries and museums. I will find the sea and eat sandwiches next to it. I will breathe in the salty air, and ask myself why I went so long without it. I will have short weekend trips to the outer edges of Osaka, discovering little towns and secret places tucked away. 

I will grow roots in Osaka. I will make friends with the lady at the supermarket, or the gentleman who owns the ramen shop close to where I live. I will make lifetime friends there, who will probably introduce me to my husband. 

I will believe that these things will come true. I will let go of my fear that I am not as "desirable" as other foreign teachers because of my nationality. It has not hindered me thus far, and I will refuse to believe that it will hinder me now. My work experience and manner will speak for themselves. I will be steadfast in the belief that I am worthy of my dream job, and that my insecurities and perceived inadequacies are all in my head. 

And to counter this, I will manifest these words: 

I am a VERY desirable teacher, one with a lot of experience and one with a dedication to the craft. I will find that dream job, and I will not let my own insecurities get in the way. So many people believe in you girl, and they know how valuable you are. You have spent so much of this year reevaluating your true worth and it turns out you have undervalued yourself so much over the last few years. Step up, and claim your worth. There are so many who are willing to give it to you. Hold both your hands open and be gracious when they are given to you. 

In a year, I will check back on this post and see how much of it has happened. I will need to put in the work and actually send out applications, I have been a bit slack about that. But I will find that job, and I will be in Osaka by this time next year. 

Believe you can do it. You have made so many impossible things happen already. Don't be afraid of failing - be excited that it's going to happen.