Things

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 Let's not mince words. I have an STI. I caught HPV. Specifically, the kind that causes warts. 

It was rough facing this conclusion, and writing it down and giving it form. I suppose that in the big scale of things, the situation is really not that bad. HPV, as it turns out, is one of the most common STDs out there, and it is primarily caused by skin-to-skin contact. Most people will clear infections on their own, while others will never show or develop symptoms. I just happen to have one of the two strains that cause visible warts. 

It gets better. The strain that I have is not linked to the ones that develop into cancer. I also only have two little ones, located on skin and not on mucous surfaces. I am responding well to imiquimod, and I have a vaccine course set up next week and over the next six months. 

It was extremely difficult to come to grips with this. I don't think I was surprised, given the almost reckless way I had been sleeping with everyone. I had always used a condom, and I thought that the one shot that I got ages ago would have provided a form of protection.  I should have known that it would have not been adequate, but you cannot be completely protected from HPV unless you completely give up having sex. Short of wrapping yourself in bubble wrap, it was more of an inevitability than anything else. I guess I just bought into the stigma that STIs were for reckless, promiscuous people. But then again, who isn't to say that I haven't been reckless or promiscuous myself? Is it really so bad to have a sexual appetite? I took all the precautions and steps, but I also didn't account for skin-to-skin transmissions.

So for the meantime, this is what is going to happen. I am going to continue my treatment until the warts clear (which I don't think will be for too long because I seem to be responding quite well). I am going to get my vaccines and get them as prescribed. 

But in terms of dating, I am going to have rethink my whole strategy. One big advantage of all this is that I have a legit reason to keep my pants on. This will give me the opportunity to slow down and get to know people. I don't think I can continue to use Bumble or Tinder if I want to find something serious. Those apps are brilliant for finding hookups, but not for the serious stuff. 

I know I shouldn't buy so much into the idea that I have a deadline to stick to, because of that ring thing. But let's look at things quickly:  I know it says that I will be married by the time I am 32, which means that I need to find this person in the next six months. Which means, in six months (when I have finished my vaccine course) I will be prepared to be in a committed and monogamous relationship by then. 

The thought of not having sex for the next six months should be more daunting. But it isn't. I think I've slept with enough people in the last year and a half to definitely deserve a break. I don't think this is about "making up for lost time" anymore. I think I had fallen into a habit without realising it, and I need to take a step back and rethink how I feel about sex and what I want. 

Though I'll be honest, having to disclose this to future partners means that I have to be a bit more discerning. But in all honesty, I think I'm past the point of expanding. These days I want to have the cuddles on the couch, the arguments about who is doing what chore and the gift of knowing that you have given someone the comfort of a home to look forward to. If it means having to slow down and being more discerning about the people I meet and spend time with, then so be it. 

I will get through this, and this will be something to charge to experience. I am not made lesser by this, and neither is my worth diminished. I need to remember this, and I need to demand the same from those I will encounter. 

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